The Ex GirlFriend

A whatsapp ping can change your life

“Real Mature KKK.”

“Kiss and tell much.”

What??? What happened? Whats wrong?”

“You told Shantanu”

Getting back together with an ex is always a road fraught with innumerable number of reasons. This is just one such case where an otherwise reasonable guy (like me) falls for the old trick of returning to the Ex.

Let me recap. It was a wonderfully sunny Sunday morning and I was downstairs helping the neighbour cook ( to be read as “waiting for the cooking to be done so I could get free food”) when the phone rings. You always jump a little when the number of the girl who hasn’t called you in a year suddenly flashes on your phone. Especially so when your break up was loud, spiteful and acrimonious. (After the breakup, we had even shared our friends. The joke was on her. I got the cool friends)

Hello. Whats up??

“Listen Kiran. Im in the neighbourhood. In BKC on some work. Im coming over in 30 minutes. I haven’t seen your new place.”

Is that permission? Or information?”

“Whatever you want it to be” A chuckle and the line hangs up.

Forget free food. I was going to get action. I forgot the Upma slowly cooking on aunty’s stove and ran upstairs to clean my place and hide my dirty laundry.

30 minutes later, she showed up. She was always on time. That was one of the things I loved about her. Always on time. As she whirled in and waltzed around my place, I remembered the good times we had spent together. As she picked holes and suggested design changes to make the house look more better, my mind rewinded back to a year ago. Our weekly movies in Mulund and Andheri, our sneaking back to my hostel room, our lovie-dovie messages, our midnight chats,  and everything else that seemed colourful and perfect about us.

In retrospect, I think this was the exact moment where my mind started failing me. I got carried away by the wonderful times we had that I forgot all the bickering, fighting and the name calling.

As I guided her into the library to flaunt my huge book collection, I gently neared her and there it was. The moment that made my knees weak. Her perfume. I could sense it. That was one thing that drove me mad. I pressed my face into her shoulder and inhaled deeply and sighed slowly.

“I knew you would like it. Marc Jacobs Kiran. I knew you loved me in this” and she bent forward and smelt my shirt “ Aah. You remember? I loved your Ralph Lauren.”

I leant forward for a kiss. My mind had abandoned me totally now. Like all men, the touch of a woman and all the synapses in your brain snap. All that grey matter goes for a hike. I was on the fast train towards hell, spiraling out of control. She replied with the same intensity. “ Don’t expect anything much mister. I am still mad at you” A muffled mumble was all that I could reply.


Dude. Shantanu. You there? She came over earlier today. We made out.”

“What the freaking lord is wrong with you???? Why did you do her Kiran?”

We just made out. Nothing happened. It was an accident Shantanu.”

“I know. You slipped and fell on her mouth. Again and again. Right?”

Somewhat *sheepish smiley*”

“Wait. Let me tease her.”

Let me introduce Shantanu. He is the person who introduced me to her two years ago. He is the best friends to both of us even now ( He is one of the people I won in the break up but I graciously granted her access to him also). He knows the entire story of my twisted relationship, from its unorthodox inception to its untimely demise. He had even mediated most of our fights. He had comforted me ( and I presume, her also ) after the disastrous breakup. So I told him. I needed to tell someone. I am human folks! Couldn’t tell my brother because he would beat me up. So Shantanu it was

So now apparently he sent her a message to let her know that he knew.

I assume it was something like. “Hi. I know you made out with Kiran. He is such a hunk that I would have lost control with him myself. Good luck falling asleep at night”

Apparently it wasn’t that. It was like “You little minx! You wait for the instant I am out of town and you jump on Kiran. You bit his lower lip off it seems. You little tigress! I want full details asap”

Ergo we return to the original whatsapp fight.

“Was it supposed to be a secret? I thought Shantanu was always in the loop.”

“Cant you keep anything to yourself? Why do you have to go around telling everyone.?

I didn’t tell everyone. Shantanu is family. And you NEVER told me that it was supposed to be a secret. You had ample opportunity to tell me on Sunday. Your mouth was near my ear the whole time.”

“Stop being a pervert. You are disgusting. You broke my trust.”

What trust? You never explicitly mentioned that it was supposed to be between us only. I repeat. There was never a contractual obligation of non disclosure.”

“Shut the F up Kiran. You haven’t changed. Always proclaiming your conquests.”

Was it a conquest for me? I seemed the other way around madam.”

“And to think I wanted to get back together. Thank god for my lucky stars”

:God? I thought you were an atheist?”

“See. You are a smart ass. Can never get over yourself. Coming back to you was a mistake.”

What? What is this getting back together.? As much fun as we had, we were a horrible couple. Ask Shantanu.”

“Screw Shantanu. I am not talking to you anymore.”

Hello. I don’t understand what my mistake is. Did you want it to be a secret rendezvous?”

“I don’t care if the whole world knows. I wanted it on my terms.”

God. I apologise if I did something wrong. I am sorry” As soon as I sent the message, I realized something. Why was I apologizing? I had for a moment become her boyfriend again, apologizing for no mistakes of mine and awaiting her approval. I had no reason to be apologetic.  How I wished that last message could be erased.

Ex-girlfriends are strange. They are weird. They are downright dangerous. This one was the cream of the crop when it comes to weird girlfriends. Even when we were together, she scared the day lights out of me. Never go back to ex-girlfriends and past flings. They are your past and they are in your past for a particular reason. Move ahead. Find better women and women whom you can atleast make an effort to understand

Luckily that last message never reached her on whatsapp. She had already blocked me.


*This is inspired fiction. Elements are based from real life. Could be mine. May not be mine.



About Kiran Kumar Karlapu

The Prince of the Monsoons. Dreams in English but swears in Telugu. High strung, hyperactive and generally distracted. Fights crime and tweets about them when not forced to attend a Sarkaari Daftar.
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