My beloved “dearly repentant after bout of anger”
Sweetheart. ( Yes. I referred to you as my sweetheart. Get used to it).I like you too much to lose you on such a trivial thing. We are dear friends and more as well. Don’t think that one incident or a few harsh words can make me cut you out of my life. We are stronger than that (even though looking at icecream makes us both weak in the knees)
This incident was too minor an inconvenience to come between us. Whatever was said was said. We cant change it. It has transpired and we have to live with it. I must admit that it wasn’t one of your better speeches but let us forget it.Yes.It made me mad at you and i am probably a little even now. But it’s all temporary madness and shall blow over. You are lucky I believe in second chances ( in your case, fifteenth chance, isn’t it?)
And anyway I have no idea how you look at me or looked at me. I have always looked at you as a very dear person to me (for reasons unknown and possibly due to some degenerative condition of the decision making centres of my brain).
There was never anything overtly carnal in my feelings towards you and there shall never be. Any subtle indications in that direction can only be explained by the reflexive reactions an intense attraction might trigger. But believe me. I never meant it deliberately. Those “looks” that you say I give you are all a part of that involuntary reaction that you trigger. And admit it, you also have given me those looks. Do I trigger such a reaction in your tummy as well? ( I know ive used the “word” trigger thrice already, but I genuinely like that word). I can see pretty well through the corners of my eyes to notice the looks you give me. These are minor flirtations and as we have decided, let us leave them at that. And I accept it, I wouldn’t mind touching your gentle skin once and feeling my hand run through your hair once.
Let me try to explain what my feelings towards you are. It is essentially “a distinct persistent fondness” that i possess for you and it shall remain thus, unwavering and unfaltering ( unless ofcourse one of us does something singularly catastrophic). It has survived the years and it has survived our relationships with others as well. (Heck. It has outlasted two of my girlfriends) We have been to the abyss and back several times and each time we have survived it ( thank god for our passing moments of sanity which enable us to process things in maturity) Every situation that looked like it shall tear the fabric of our friendship was somehow surmounted and we managed to remain close ever since. Remember the Bandra West incident? Or the incident when you insulted Rafael Nadal? Those were the days when the fog of war, a war of two warring stubborn egos crashing against each other ( much like waves crashing against the tripods outside NCPA- neither will budge).
Anyway I don’t think we can call it friendship anymore. Its something more than that. You know it and so do I. We aren’t just regular friends. I think I couldn’t do justice to you if I introduce you to my parents as my best friend. But I wouldn’t be doing justice even if I introduced you to them as my lover. We have taken a tangential detour on the bumpy road that lies between friendship and love and we have landed ourselves in this romanceless limbo. I don’t even have a word for it. (Perhaps the Germans do. They have a word for everything.) And in my opinion that limbo isn’t even the worst part of the entire scenario, but it is the lack of an exit clause without mutating the entirety of the relationship, perhaps with disastrous and irrevocable consequences.
In reality, I couldn’t even kiss you ( or even toy with such an idea in my mind) because I don’t know what form our relationship shall don once our lips part. ( I am actually kidding. I would love to kiss you. No wait. I wouldn’t. Or would I? ) . Each time I think about giving our faceless relation a label, I find myself fumbling for words. So for operational convenience, we shall call it our “Bond”.
These minor transgressions from either side (they shall be minimal from my side, i can assure you that) are only inconsequential blips on the greater radar that is our relation.
As you always say, “It’s a clean slate” once again.
“Confused but forgiving”