Kubler-Ross-KiranKumar Model of Smuggling Psychology

 

 

The Kubler Ross Model was developed to explain the various stages of dealing with grief.

Through my experiences in the Airport, I have modified it and now I present the

“Kubler-Ross-KiranKumar Model of smuggling”

This shows the various plethora of emotions a smuggler goes through from the time of interception till the actual recovery of gold/contraband.

The stages in making a smuggling seizure are usually 1. Interception 2.Conversation. 3. Antecedent Verification 4. Physical Examination 5. Extraction. 6. Elation and Celebration

The various stages of the Kubler-Ross-KiranKumar Model are as follows.

 

 

  1. Denial

 

“I have nothing at all. I own nothing at all” (Middle Path of Buddhism)

“Check karlo” ( Nonchalance)

“Mushkil nahi. Aapki marzi. But youll need to repack it. (Cheekiness)

“Me and gold? Mera autaak hain kya?” (Oh!Cruel World)

“I don’t even have money to go to Mangalore now. Forget gold” ( Damsel in Distress)

“Why will I smuggle sir?” (The epitome of God)

“Do whatever you want to. See whatever you want to see” ( Hemingway Hero)

“You stopped me last time also. You found nothing. Remember?” (Déjà vu)

DO I LOOK LIKE A SMUGGLER TO YOU???? “(Constructive Opinion Seeking)

 

My favorite ( A case of rectal concealment)

*turns around and bends over* “Push a finger inside if you want. Kuch bhi nahi hain mere maalik”
 

  1. Anger

 

“ How dare you ask my passport?” (Robert Vadra)

“Don’t you know who I am?”   ( Retrogade Amnesia)

“Why are you stopping me? I need to go”   ( Bowel Movement Urgency)

“I am hardworking citizen and you are insulting me on returning to India” (Prodigal Son)

“I want to talk to whoever is incharge of this airport RIGHT NOW” (Senex Iratus)

“Why should I pay duty on my personal gold?” ( Free Lunch Syndome)

I have travelled so many times. Never been checked” ( Law of Diminishing Returns)

“You think everyone is a smuggler!!!” (Racial Stereotyping)

 

  1. Bargaining

 

“Saab. Please. Don’t open the package in front of everyone.” (Fear of Open Spaces)

“There is one more fellow with me. Catch him and leave me” (Crown Witness)

*falls on the floor and catches your feet* (Bridegroom at the wedding)

*falls on the floor and catches everyone’s feet* (Bride at the wedding)

“Saab. I have five biscuits. You keep two of them.” (Usually followed by the sound of palm meeting cheek)

“Please sir. Don’t put my name in paper” (Irreparable Damage to Reputation)

“Only this and nothing more at all. Swear by my kids.” (Fundamental Attribution Error)

“If you let me go, I will give you names of ten more smugglers” (Crowdsouring)

“ I have never done this earlier. This is my first time. Please” (Gentleman Thief)

 

  1. Depression

 

“I have no reason to live now. I will jump out of a window” ( Survivors Guilt)

“I have lost everything.” (Cyclone Victim)

“They told me no one checks in Mumbai. I have been cheated” (Misled by False friends)

“I have two daughters to marry. How will I ever do it?” (Responsible head of family)

“So many people smuggling and only I was caught” ( Game Theory)

“ Why check sir? Ill tell you. I have 5 biscuits” (Embracing the Inevitable)

*Wails in the middle of the arrival hall and starts slapping himself* (Self Flagellation)

 

  1. Acceptance

 

Acceptance is always in the same dialogue, with a crestfallen face looking glumly as the sepoy warms the wax mould to seal the package with Mumbai Customs seal.

 

“Where do I sign? When will I get my Gold back?”

 

 

Welcome to Mumbai International Airport. My Airport. More funny/interesting stories would follow.

Image

 

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About Kiran Kumar Karlapu

The Prince of the Monsoons. Dreams in English but swears in Telugu. High strung, hyperactive and generally distracted. Fights crime and tweets about them when not forced to attend a Sarkaari Daftar.
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2 Responses to Kubler-Ross-KiranKumar Model of Smuggling Psychology

  1. Vijay says:

    Outstanding work as always Karlapu. But aren’t you supposed to write in hindi from now on?

  2. srinath rao says:

    Love reading the stuff that we can’t write in the papers. Almost feel sad for a couple of them.

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